After a year of separation, rounds of amicable but challenging negotiations, and countless emails back & forth with the lawyer, I signed my divorce papers today.
Everything needs to be filed with the court and we still need a judge’s signature, but for all intents and purposes I am now DIVORCED.
When people ask me why I decided to do this crazy trip, I usually give them a one-word response - “divorce”. The whole truth is more complicated, but people usually accept this answer with a knowing smirk and don’t dig further.
Considering how long I’ve been taking steps toward the divorce, it feels strange that I would have a pit in my stomach today. The finality of signing the paperwork has me feeling many things at once.
(one of our first dates in 2012)
I am sad for the relationship’s end, even though I am the one who ended it. Eleven years is a lot of life - almost a quarter of my years.
We got each other through the completion of an advanced degree, the start of a new career, the purchase of a first house, turning that house into a home, getting our first dog, the deaths of a father and a father figure, two layoffs, more than a dozen new jobs, getting our second dog, a scare with cancer, moving to a new state, the purchase of a second house, turning the second house into a home, the death of a cat, dozens of fights and reconciliations, hundreds of tears of joy and sorrow, countless ups and downs.
Strange that an era so full of life is ended with just 37 double spaced pages.
(at the Hollywood Bowl, 2019)
I am grateful for the time we had together. We made each other better.
I helped her out of her shell, giving her the support she needed to feel comfortable taking risks - small at first, then bigger. She is now at the top of her field professionally and a confident, dynamic woman.
She helped me learn how to slow down and take care of myself. She taught me the tools I needed to better understand my feelings and communicate about them. I am now a more balanced, stable, and healthier man.
(right after I popped "the question", 2014)
I feel guilty about how I ended it. It was abrupt and painful for her. I had months, years to slowly realize and accept the idea that it was over, then I dropped the bomb on her all at once.
I wish we’d been able to come to a mutual agreement over a length of time so that the end wasn’t so traumatic for her. Even though she has, in recent months, admitted that I did the right thing - even that I was brave to have done it - I still wish I’d handled it better.
(Zombie Run 5K, 2012)
I am conflicted about the settlement. I have been lucky to have a career track that pays very well, while her field, with rare exception, does not. I am resentful that even after all of the financial advantages I gave her over the years, I’ll be paying for years to come.
I am also sympathetic to the fact that by leaving, I pulled the financial rug out from under her. I forced her to suddenly live very differently and raised a bunch of scary new questions about her future.
I think we’re both equally dissatisfied about the outcome, which I suppose means it was a good compromise.
(MLS Final in Portland our first year as Timbers fans, 2021)
I feel lucky to have gotten through this process together without bickering or animosity. Divorce often makes people crazy and spiteful, but we’ve been able to keep things amicable - friendly even.
The fact that we still want the best for each other is a testament to how sincere our love for each other was and how much we've both matured. She could have easily been very nasty about this, and I wouldn’t have blamed her, but she hasn’t.
(at a friend's wedding near Mount Hood in 2023, one month before our separation)
Even though the paperwork is done, our lives are still intertwined.
Apart from the years of spousal support, we still own a property together indefinitely. Although we never had kids (phew!), we still have two dogs. They are better off with her, and she with them, but I still love them and want to see them from time to time. While I’m on the road, almost all of my possessions are stored in the basement of the house we shared. I don’t know where (if?) I will settle after 50 states, but I’ll need to get my stuff at some point.
Although I doubt we'll ever be "friends" again, we'll be in each others' lives for a very long time. It's nice to know that we'll be rooting for each other.
(first Portland winter, 2021)
I am certain that I’m on the right path now, but it’s hard not to look back with 20/20 hindsight and second guess decisions made along the way. If I’d known then what I know now…but I didn’t know. The decisions we made then shaped who we are today. I like who I am today and she likes who she is today, so second guessing does no one any good.
(Halloween 2016)
I am sure that by tomorrow my stomach will settle and my intense feelings will subside somewhat. I am hopeful that someday we will both be able to look back and be grateful for the time we spent together without any of the sting of it ending.
I am trying to get used to saying “ex-wife” but it feels harsh in my mouth. I like “former partner” better - it says the same thing but doesn’t have the same baggage. Maybe I’ll try to start using that instead.
Regardless of how I talk and feel about it in the future, the fact remains that after eleven years of life with my former partner, I am - as of today - officially DIVORCED.
Yes, and...
Matt
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